Conflict Avoidance in the light of Weber’s law

I have a history of conflict avoidance. That avoidance tendency germinated in my early childhood. My parents weren’t a happy couple. Their open conflict played out in me not wanting anything to do with conflict. My early avoidance ways got hardwired in my neural circuitry. They’ll only die when I do.

That said, over the years I’ve worked hard on building new, more constructive, habits and circuitry, to manage conflict. The journey continues….

Earlier this month, I completed a MOOC to better understand the brain, and how our neurobiology plays out in everyday life. It was a terrific instructor and course for the neuro layperson that I am. One of my course takeaways was how imperfect we humans are when it comes to perceiving “reality”. This plays out in conflict avoidance, and many other arenas. Weber’s law helps explain why.

Weber’s law

Weber’s law (short for Weber-Fechner law) originated in the mid 19^th century for measuring intensity of physical stimulus. It has since been applied in other fields; including economics and psychology.

Weber’s law suggests that our perception of the intensity of a stimulus grows at a slower rate than the actual intensity. Our ability to detect differences between stimuli depends on the ratio of the difference to the initial intensity.

If I’m carrying a 5 kg pack and I add some weight to my pack, my threshold for noticing that extra weight might be 1kg. If any less than 1 kg. I don’t perceive the extra weight.

However, if I carry a 10 kg pack, it may take 2 additional kg for me to notice a difference, and similarly, with a 15 kg. it may take additional 4 kg. The difference between real weight/intensity and perceived weight/intensity is proportional. Here’s how I visualize things:

Hence, we might be quite divorced from reality. We are imperfect perceivers of what actually is going on in the world, and our body.

Perception and Reality are two different things

In a conflict dynamics context, stimulus is analogous with a precipitating event or hot button that triggers a conflict response or reaction. We choose our response:

Conflict avoidance tends to align with destructive response.

What happens if we perceive the magnitude of stimuli wrong?

Perception is entirely about interpretation. Sensations in our body do not necessarily equate with how we interpret those sensations.

Maybe our body is sensing a high degree of anxiety, yet our neocortex perceives it as moderate. In that scenario, we risk not acting when maybe we should. The problem only gets worse. We fail to act soon enough

The impact of conflict avoidance

The potential scenarios where our conflict avoidance tendencies tend to escalate negative impact are numerous. Here are just a few common personal and workplace examples:

Unaddressed Financial Disputes

• Scenario: Two partners disagree over finances but avoid discussing it to keep peace.
• Impact: As months pass without addressing the issue, frustration and mistrust build, leading to arguments over minor financial decisions.

Parent-Child Communication

• Scenario: A parent notices their child’s falling grades but avoids bringing it up to avoid conflict.
• Impact: As time goes on, the child’s grades worsen, and eventually, a confrontation occurs with much more emotion and stress.

Health Concerns Ignored

• Scenario: Someone notices a recurring health issue but avoids going to the doctor out of fear.
• Impact: Over time, the problem worsens, leading to more severe health consequences and a much more stressful experience when finally seeking medical help.

Feedback Avoidance

• Scenario: A manager avoids giving negative feedback to an employee.
• Impact: The employee continues making mistakes, leading to a larger performance issue and a more difficult conversation when it can’t be ignored any longer.

Unresolved Team Disagreements

• Scenario: Team members have differing opinions on a project direction but avoid discussing it openly.
• Impact: As the project progresses, tensions rise, making eventual confrontation more heated and impacting team morale.

Salary Negotiations Postponed

• Scenario: An employee is unhappy with their salary but avoids bringing it up with their manager.
• Impact: The longer they avoid the discussion, the more resentment builds, leading to a tense negotiation or even thoughts of quitting.

Ignored Performance Reviews

• Scenario: A supervisor delays annual reviews to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
• Impact: As more time passes, performance issues compound, making the review more challenging and demoralizing.

Conflict Over Resource Allocation

• Scenario: Departments avoid addressing unequal resource distribution.
• Impact: Over time, dissatisfaction grows, and the eventual conversation involves more departments and becomes a broader organizational issue.

Five ways to minimize conflict avoidance tendencies

1. Incremental Exposure: Instead of confronting a large conflict all at once, start with a small, manageable issue. Chunk it down. This gradual exposure can help build confidence and reduce anxiety associated with conflict. This incremental approach is the essence of effective negotiations and mediation.
2. Normalize Differences: By recognizing that minor disagreements are a normal part of relationships, you can change their perception of conflict. If the intensity of conflict is viewed as less threatening (a small change compared to the overall relationship), avoidance may decrease.
3. Frame Feedback Constructively: When discussing sensitive topics, framing feedback in a positive light (e.g., focusing on growth rather than criticism) can make the conflict s feel less intense. This reframing can help individuals feel more comfortable engaging in discussions.
4. Awareness of Sensitivity Levels: By understanding their (and your own) threshold for conflict, you can work on increasing their tolerance for discomfort. If you recognize that they can handle slightly more intense discussions, they might be less likely to avoid conflict altogether. Self-awareness is at the core of becoming a better conflict resolver.
5. Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue: Establishing environments where open communication is encouraged can help diminish the perceived intensity of conflict. This can help individuals and teams feel more secure in discussing their concerns without fear of severe repercussions. Psychological safety is required to foster healthy teams and workplaces.

Applying these strategies can help you gradually shift the perception of conflict, enabling engagement rather than avoidance.