You’re at a party.
You don’t know many people at the party. You notice the emotion of discomfort as your stomach clenches and your breathing gets constricted. Your mind labels that as feeling awkward.
Yet, someone else, at that same party, with those same emotional bodily sensations, might label the experience as exciting because they get to meet new people.
Feelings can be different from person to person in the same scenario.
Emotions and feelings are different
Emotions are real-time data sparked (literally, as in neurochemicals) by sensations in the body. They are the raw data, a reaction to the present reality; e.g. discomfort.
Feelings can be more biased. They can be watered down versions of emotions by stories we’ve created in our head based on events of the past or fears of the future. Those feelings aren’t necessarily the whole truth of the situation.
Listening to our bodily emotions, informed by our sense perception, helps us connect to the reality of our present situation. From our truth, we can make decisions that are right for us. Maybe, this party isn’t as awkward or exciting as my initial reaction?
Developing emotional awareness can help prevent reactivity and false beliefs. Conflict is inevitable. How you respond to it isn’t. Emotions are the raw data available to better conflict management.
Respond to conflict with emotional intelligence
By being more emotionally intelligent, smarter with feelings, you will more accurately recognize emotions in yourself and others (the roots of empathy).
Being in tune with your emotional raw data will help you make decisions and craft effective solutions to the conflict challenges you face each day.
When triggered by conflict, whether it is a precipitating event or by one of your “hot buttons”:
Name your mental feeling(s). “Name it to tame it.” A feelings inventory can help with emotional literacy. And, you may have many feelings to negotiate with.
Ask yourself – How do I know this feeling to be true based on the signals in my body? Tune in to yourself. Are what you are experiencing: physically, thinking, and feeling aligned? The Six Seconds model of emotional intelligence helps build that self-awareness. I use it.
Choose a constructive response to conflict. Choose to respond with behaviours that de-escalate the conflict. The Conflict Dynamics Profile is my guide, my tool of choice.
Make it a habit. With intention and repetitive practice, constructive responses can become hard-wired.
So, next time you find yourself at a party, and have that emotional pang in your gut, maybe you’ll know exactly why you feel the way you do, and act accordingly.
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