Anniversaries abound this week.
Today is July 4. In the “United States of America” it’s their Independence Day. July 1 was my country’s national anniversary, at least from the settler perspective. More personal for me is that today is my wedding anniversary. And, my partner and I are still together after 35 years!
No matter if its personal or national body or global community, I tend to contextualize relationship and working together, especially long-term ventures, from a Yes, and… mindset. I’ve taken that tact every since my conflict resolution studies at the Justice Institute of BC over two decades ago. Through those studies, I came to know the interest-based conflict resolution approach, epitomized in the 1981 book, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Bless Roger Fisher & William Ury, and the Harvard Negotiation Project.
A central theme from the Getting to Yes book was “an unconditionally constructive strategy”, a framework for healthier negotiations and relationships. It continues to serve as a roadmap for me, in personal, work and public spheres. It speaks to life’s yin yang. For the record, here it is:
An Unconditionally Constructive Strategy
Do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they reciprocate.
- Rationality. Even if they are acting emotionally, balance emotions with reason.
- Understanding. Even if they misunderstand us, try to understand them.
- Communication. Even if they are not listening, consult them before deciding on matters that affect them.
- Reliability. Even if they are trying to deceive us, neither trust them nor deceive them; be reliable.
- Noncoercive modes of influence. Even if they are trying to coerce us, neither yield to that coercion nor try to coerce them; be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.
- Acceptance. even if they reject us and our concerns as unworthy of their consideration, accept them as worthy of our consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.
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